And Then One Day it All Changed...

One of the many things that came with my lifestyle change and the 80 pounds that I have lost thus far is the constant question of “What made you do it?” Until now, I have answered this question with short, vague reasons as to why I decided to do it. Most of the time my answer changed depending on the person I was talking to and my mood that day. The truth is that the answer to this question is too intense for most people to understand and in my opinion, most people don’t really want to know the cold, often times depressing truths of others’ lives. Which is why everyone politely asks “how are you doing?” and consequently, the answer is always “fine, and you?” I think most people have enough problems of their own and they really don’t want to hear the problems of others. But I figured if there was ever a time to answer this question truthfully it is now, and if you are reading this entry it’s because you truly want to know and if you don’t you can skip it and continue with your day.

It is no secret that I have been overweight for most of my life, I tried my hardest to act as if being overweight did not have an impact on my life, but the reality is it had a huge impact on my life. The stares, the judgments, the comments, and the suggestions from both close friends and family to complete strangers affected me so deeply that I repressed those feelings and refused to deal with them because they were so painful. If you read my last post or if you know me personally, you already know that I lost a significant person in my life and it has forever changed me. And it is because I lost this person and was so lost in grief that the opportunity to work on myself arose.

When I first decided to go to therapy it was to deal with the grief of the boyfriend I lost. What I didn’t know was that therapy was going to help me get to the root of not just my grief, but of the many issues I refused to deal with because they were so painful. It was when I had hit rock bottom and felt completely low and alone and helpless that I realized that I had been feeling this way even before my boyfriend passed away. It was in therapy that I had my big epiphany; I realized that I could control my own destiny. Sure life had thrown some curveballs at me, but it was how I dealt with these curveballs that was going to define who I really was. It was in therapy that I realized that I had internalized all of the negative remarks that people had been making towards me all of my life. I also realized that I had come to believe all of those remarks. I didn’t see any beauty in myself, I saw a fat ugly woman who was so lost and alone that she didn’t understand why she was put on this earth and was questioning why she should be here.

My therapist helped me realize what negative and helpless thoughts I had about myself. Now looking back on it, it is kind of ironic that all I ever wanted to do with my life and career was to help others, because at the time I didn’t think I deserved to be helped. I was resigned to a life of unhappiness and loneliness, and my weight was just another reminder that I would never have the body nor the life that I wanted.

So the answer to the big question of “what made you do it?” is: realizing my self worth. The day I realized that I deserved a better life and I deserved to have everything I had ever hoped and dreamed about was the day that I began making a change in my life. It was then that I decided to sign up for classes with a trainer and I began asking her how I should go about changing my diet and exercise. It was also the day I decided to face the scale because I knew that if I didn’t face my fears I would never get to where I wanted to be. And for me the scale was my enemy, it was the cold hard reality staring me right in the face, reminding me of the long journey that I had ahead of me.

I also want to note that I did not do it alone, I had friends and family encouraging me, working out with me, and competing against me (competition is a real motivator for me). Without their support and reassurance I would not be where I am today. For me, this weight loss journey has been a very emotional one; I have been angry, sad, happy, overwhelmed, guilty, doubtful and excited. There were many times that I wanted to quit, there were many times that I thought I should just settle for what I had, but then I remembered that I deserved better.

If there is one thing that I would like people to take from my journey it is to remind them that they deserve the best. That is what I tell myself every time I want to quit or every time life throws me a curveball that makes me want to just cry and fall apart. It is in those crucial and difficult times that I say to myself “Crystal, you deserve the best, do not settle, you have accomplished so much and you have so much more to accomplish. This is only the beginning for you.”

For me the weight loss journey has been more of a mental challenge than a physical one. Being able to do push-ups, planks, and burpees and being able to run for 13 miles straight and hike for 5 hours has been nothing compared to making me believe that I am beautiful. I make it a point to look at myself in the mirror everyday and see the great things about myself from the physical, like the definition in my arms and legs and how nice and round my butt is to the non-physical things like how friendly, outgoing, and kind I am. I believe that you are only as beautiful as you feel and right now I feel pretty darn hott!

-Crystal Ocegueda